The future, no matter how uncertain, had always been my way to escape the reality of today. Working hard (enough) in school had given me a chance of doing things tomorrow. Growing up and living with the disappointments of living below the poverty line for most of it was livable because of the hope that tomorrow brought. Now I am in a process of figuring out what tomorrow is. For much of my life, tomorrow meant a time when hard work/intelligence/luck would change today's less then desirable circumstances. Tomorrow for me no longer means that. While I hate that fact with a passion, it may not be a bad thing. Tomorrow was always based on me changing things.
And some more:
Through this I am finally understanding what it means to be broken and understanding what "beginning once again at the beginning" means (even if Barth did mean for his quote to be understood differently). My failure is coming from my failure to reach my goals which I see as a way out of the where I am at. It is my desire to control my destiny instead of allowing God to lead me through this time. The self-confidence that always annoyed people about me seems to be sliding away and while I desprately want to keep it, it might not be a bad thing.